Try Looking Into My Mind
by htbookreader1
Summary: Ever wondered how edward had do deal with hearing about all of the guys who lusted after bella? normally with the humans...its no big deal hes better than them...but what about Jake's thoughts? PLEASE read and review...id love you all


**Hey...its been a while since ive written anything...believe me i will start again...this is my first twilight story in a while...please read review and enjoy what it has to offer....i do not own twilight but maybe id like to keep edward for a little while...once again please enjoy this....maybe ill continue if enough people like it....but for now enjoy**

**Walk in the Soles of My Shoes**

I have this strange gift, or maybe it's a curse, I don't know. But either way, I've lived with voices in my head for over 90 years. And that is far too long for even a vampire to listen into others' conversations. In the beginning I would try to enjoy the little thoughts of humans in some attempt to understand how they acted and interacted with their environments.

But my positive experiment turned out to be to no avail. I found the minds of humans simply frivolous. Their thoughts were only limited to themselves, no matter what the time period, no matter what the era, humans only thought of themselves and their own needs. Eventually I learned how to block out the noise from my brain. Once you hear everything, others' thoughts grow tiresome, dull, and predictable.

And then she…that beautiful delicate human…came wafting into my life like a fragrant bouquet of wildflowers. Bella Swan. Her thoughts, the ones I most wanted to hear, were the ones I could not hear. It was hard at first because I was not used to not knowing what another thought of me. But even Bella's impassable mind I learned to deal with.

Now I have different problems. I am not able to block out what the male population of the world is thinking of her. God whenever I hear them, I just want to let lose and forget my attempted vegetarian diet. I tell the world, I tell her, that I have no problem. She tells me there is no competition. She loves me. She will love me forever. But it aches in places I never knew I had when I heard their sick brains twirling away. It is madding but I cannot tear their voices away.

Mike Newton's voice is the most predictable of all. Whenever he sees her he gets into childish daze. His conversations, the way he interacts with my girl are normal. But his greedy hands are all over her in his mind.

_Oh Bella,_ his mind inhales with content. _How would you like to date me? Ditch the Cullen pretty boy. I'll make you mine. I'm twice the man he is. Bella love me._

Scenes, like that of an R rated movie start to twist and turn in his adolescent mind. And the worst part? I can do nothing about it except put my arm around Bella's shoulder and smile viciously at his slimy face. Damn it to hell and heaven I wish it were _I, _who has every right, who could act on my rash feelings.

Along with Mike Newton is Eric Yorkie. He is the dumber to Mike's dumb. If there were a teenager pervert award Eric would surely be the lucky bastard to get it. Ever since his car almost killed my sweet girl, he thinks of her constantly. But his are a little more resolute than Mike's angsty boyish ones. Eric not only has plans for Bella, but also plans for me.

In his mind he pictures that I died mysteriously. Bella is devastated, a nice touch I have to admit, and she turns to him for comfort. As her tears swell he gently wipes them from her soft face. _Don't cry. Edward wouldn't want that. He'd want us to be together Bella, we should honor what he would have wanted. _

And his fantasies continue where Mike's stop. Clothes are sliding off, and he's touching her…all of her. I want to scream and tear his throat out. Damn my vampire tendancies.

But if you can believe it, if you can try, the human minds are not as sick, as twisting, or has horrible has the dog's mind. Jacob Black. If I could sleep, I would have nightmares of his voice tormenting me. It was different with Jacob. Everything was different with him. He did not need sick thoughts to torment my soul. He already knew exactly how to pick apart my brain and make me mad.

Jake would intentionally think of times when Bella was hurt. When she was cold, lonely, and had no one to turn to because I, the asshole, was gone. I had tried to push away that time and throw it under the closet. But that dog boy would never let me forget that period in Bella's life when I was not there.

He would show me the bruises on her body after riding her motorcycle. His mind would be consumed with how she was injured after her fall from the cliff. Jacob would reveal the tears that Bella could never show to anyone but to Jake. Blurry red eyes from tired eyes reminded me only of my own.

Jealousy, rage, and pain dug into my soul while Jake wore me down with his thoughts. No, he did not need fluffy fantasies of yearning bodies. He wanted to make me realize all the pain I caused Bella. That way he could show me that he was the right man for Bella. He deserved her while I hang on the sidelines.

Sometimes, at night, while I watched Bella sleep soundly, my thoughts turned to Jacob Black's mind.

_You sick bloodsucker, do you want her to turn into you? _He seemed to laugh at me in the darkness. _Your kind sickens me. How will you ever treat her well? Are you really prepared to make her give up everything, just for you? She could be happy with me. Hell, leech, she is happy with me. You could kill her. _

I would pull Bella closer to my cold skin and try to think of anything both those deathly words.

_You could kill her. You could kill her. You could kill her. You could kill her._

God, I **could** kill her.

And I wouldn't even realize it, but I could kill her. That damn dalmation was right. What if I bit her? What if I was too rash and didn't think enough, and just let myself float away? That part made me smile devilishly. The thought, that I could be everything that I wanted to be with Bella, danced across my mind.

But I could see Jake's words come to life. The seemingly innocuous bite would cause the blood to flow from her pale skin. It would trickle down without a sound. But the smell, her enticing smell, would make me want more. I would never be satisfied.

"Maybe he is the better man," I whispered into the night, half expecting an answer to come to me. Everything in me that cared for the girl next to me, cried out in a mixture of anger and frustration at my words.

_Edward, _one part of me implored, _you are the better man. You have her. You finally have found the one person who completes your soul and your being when no one else did. Edward think!_

But then the darker part of my essence arises from the dead and takes over my thoughts. _Ed, you could kill her! You cannot control yourself, and you never will. You'll just have to leave again. Leave her again. And then she'll run into his arms. He's much more of a man than you are. He can give her thinks, that you, you sick vampire, can only dream of doing with her. You are not the man for her. You do not deserve her._

Then the good part of me, the angel as Bella would say, would fight against the dark. _Edward you've waited for her for 90 years._

_But Ed,_ laughed the dark. _If you make one false move, then she dies._

_Edward, you love her. _

_You selfish ass._

_You're a dreamer, and a lover._

_You're a murderer._

_You breathe her in._

_You'll suck out her soul._

_Edward you love her!_

And then it ended. There were no other conflicting differences. There was just one thought in my mind that ended all confusion and upset. I loved her. I loved Bella Swan and that was enough to fight for her love. And damn Jacob Black, he might have been able to do things that I could never do without serious control, but that did not mean that he loved her like I loved her.

Love.

A small smile crossed my mouth. I turned to the sleeping beauty beside me. Her body moved up and down in rhythmic motions. She was so beautiful when she slept. But this was something that could not wait. I was about to open my mouth when Bella's eyes shot open.

Her intoxicating eyes looked up at me. They were filled with a mixture of fear and something else I could not put my finger on. "Hey love."

She blinked. "Was I dreaming? Did I say anything?"

I gave her a quizzical look. If only I could see what she was thinking. "No, why?"

Bella bit her lip. "I had another nightmare."

I pulled her closer and with every touch of her skin another of my own terrors deteriorated into nonexistence. "What was it about?"

"You."

That was new. She did not normally have nightmares of me. Now I was afraid. Had she had nightmares of me hurting her physically? Was she scared of me now? Did I frighten her? It was a thought that always seemed to break into my soul.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" I asked uncertain that I wanted to hear it.

"I was in a forest," she began, breathing steadily. "Suddenly I heard screams. They were screams of pain and agony. I ran towards them. The screams were coming from a clearing of trees. In clearing I found you…and Jake…fighting." She paused and looked away from me and her cheeks reddened.

"What were we fighting about?" I asked lightly. But inside my mind was in torment.

She shook her head from side to side and I caught a whiff of her delicate smell. I tried to steady my own breathing while she calmed herself down. "You were fighting over me. I know that sounds selfish but that's what it was. But it was worse, because then suddenly Jake grabbed me. I wanted to run to you Edward. I wanted to be in your arms, but he held me back."

Bella took a deep breath while I ran my fingers softly through her hair. "What happened next?" Did I really want to know?

"You became angry. Your eyes turned black and you launched yourself at Jake. He let go of me and I was knocked to the ground. Then he began to attack you. Edward, you fought him so beautifully, everything seemed to be going so well. But then—"

Tears started to swell in her eyes and stream down her face. I quickly brushed them aside. "It's alright Bella."

She shook her head. "He hurt you Edward. I don't know how he did it…everything happened so fast and…and suddenly you were on the ground. Blood was covering your body and your breath was coming out infrequently and with great difficulty. I ran over to you before Jake could get to me. You were looking up at me with a smile on your face. You tried to reach up with your cool fingertips to touch my cheek but then—Jake…he came and…picked me up and took me away from your body. He threw me down in the middle of the woods and…then I woke up."

She wrapped her arms around my body and shivered slightly. Bella began to sob quietly. "I love you. I will never lose Bella. I will always win for you Bella, I promise." She slowly let go of me and looked at me.

"What if he hurts you, in real life Edward?" she asked breathlessly.

Then I dared to ask a question that I never wanted to go into the open air. "Did you want him to take you away?"

Bella put her hands on my face and kissed me softly on the lips. Then she bent her forehead on my forehead. "I wanted you to win," she whispered.

"I will not lose Bella." And that was a promise I was ready and willing to keep to the end of time. Then without a thought, without a care, with only the yearning in my heart, the hatred for what Jake had done to my sweet girl, and the love I had for Bella, I kissed her fiercely and passionately on the lips. She responded in the way I knew she would. We sank together in the sweet bliss that can only happen between two people in love.

So maybe I had voices in my head. Maybe I was haunted by the deeds of my past I could never forget and never erase. But none of that matter now. As Bella and I came together in a bond of deep sweet love, I knew I would never doubt again. Jacob Black was wrong. He doubted the love I had in my heart. He thought I was a vampire without a heart.

But he was wrong about that too.

I had a heart, and it belonged to the girl I was kissing. My heart was hers and hers was mine. _I am my beloved, and my beloved is mine._ And that night I loved Bella in the way I always had dreamed of loving her. So the nightmares of the mortal perverts, and the taunting of the wolf all faded away, as I closed my eyes and let love guide me.


End file.
